Road Signs and Sex

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STOP—This sign tends to be pretty obvious, even more obvious with experience, at times painfully so. When the STOP sign is up, you must not pass. Running a STOP sign can be very embarrassing, at the very least, or life-threateningly perilous due to intense anger, at, one would certainly hope, the very most. This is undoubtedly why STOP signs are red.

DO NOT PASS—STOP’s older sister, with considerably less emotion but fortified with one bitch of a vocabulary. You can still tailgate, though.

YIELD—This one’s okay. I don’t mind yielding every now and again; it gives me a chance to catch my breath. And if you don’t yield when you’re supposed to there may be an accident; body-work can run into some big bucks.

STOP WHEN RED LIGHTS FLASH—Really big bucks.

DOWNHILL GRADE—Everybody’s first F is traumatic. Mine certainly was. I wept. As did she. But it really opened my eyes. I became a much better student. I’ve been cramming ever since.

DEAD END—Not a problem. Flip over.

EXIT ONLY—Inevitable. Sad, but inevitable. You cannot ride in the fast lane forever.

WATCH FOR CHILDREN—Very important. Kids never forget a face.

SPEED LIMIT 55—I don’t mind. I save a lot of gas just thinking about it. And I find that I tend to enjoy the trip a lot more when I slow down and take in the view along the way.

FOUR WAY STOP—And if everybody gets there at the same time the one on top goes first. Then there is almost always at least one accident.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET—Let us pray for inclement weather.

DIP—Fine. But please, no crumbs on the sheets. I just did my white load.

STRONG WINDS POSSIBLE—I don’t care; the windier the better. In fact, let’s get really disheveled.

MERGE—At long last.

YOU ARE ENTERING NEBRASKA—Do it ‘til ya bleat.

ONE WAY—Only one? Are you sure? Okay, but no way I’m ever taking this road again. One way…bo-ring.

NO EXIT—Never? Really? Where do I sign? What do I have to do?

NO PARKING—That’s all right, I’m not looking for anything serious.

30 MINUTE PARKING—For when you just want to run in, pick up a few odds and ends, and leave. Better make it a quickie, though, ‘cause the guy waiting for that spot drives a pick-up.

BUMP—My kingdom for an ‘s’. Lovely mountains.

UNINCORPORATED—I think this is an old Nat King Cole love ballad; I could be wrong, though.

RAILROAD CROSSING—Wait…wait…wait…But as soon as you see that cute little caboose, put it in gear and go like hell.

MEN WORKING—Would you ladies care to sit and watch? We’re serving a complimentary glass of our lovely house Chablis with every lunch order today…

DO NOT ENTER—And take your damn flowers with you.

HISTORICAL MARKER—I love history. Pull over; this I gotta see.

DANGEROUS CURVES—I am danger-man. I am seeker of thrills. I am…Romeo Knievel. Evil Juan. Mud, perhaps.

DEER CROSSING—I go very slow. I love all animals.

WRONG WAY— The theoretically illogical road sign. Wrong? What does that mean? Wrong? I think not. Proceed.

$100 FINE FOR LITTERING—Drooling exempt in most states.

BRIDGE MAY BE ICY—The SLIPPERY WHEN WET of winter. But, like I say, I live for thrills. Slip-slide me away.

NEXT SERVICES 47 MILES—At a rest stop? Now that’s what I call a modern convenience.

PREPARE TO BRAKE—Tease…

The Author

Widely published in literary journals, Michael Price has been writing fiction for over 30 years. He earned his BA in Theater from the University of Minnesota in 1980 and performed his own one-man one-act play “No Change of Address” to considerable acclaim at the 2011 MN Fringe Festival.

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