- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- “Dialogue of the deaf” – why do fuckin’ hearing people keep saying that? It makes no sense. You should see my deaf friends sign with each other in dialogue all day long till the cows come home.
- “Fall on deaf ears” – I once wrote a play called “Falling on Hearing Eyes – a museum of sign /anguish for people with communication disorders.” It was mostly about people who could hear but couldn’t communicate.
- “Stone deaf” – this one is a proud label for many of my deaf peers. The more deaf they are, the more proud.
- Do farts smell so deaf people can enjoy them too?
- Morning announcement at a high school before a stage performance by a mixed group of deaf and hearing actors (interpreted by one of the hearing actors):
“We have a special assembly for all of you today presenting a deaf-mute choral group.”
- Referring to my behind-the-ear hearing aids, a woman in a restaurant leaned over and asked: “Do those things in your ears really help you lose weight?”
- A conversation between one of my co-workers and her daughter:
Candy: I know how he does it, Mommy. I know how he lipreads.
Candy: Saw a football player on TV. This is what he said: (she mouths the word) “asshole”.
- Take the couple with an ever-growing family of 11 children. The husband explained that this was because his wife was hard-of-hearing. Every night when they went to bed, the husband would ask, “Do you want to go to sleep or what?”
“What?” his wife answered.
- A profoundly deaf friend had her tonsils removed at an early age because doctors thought that it would help her hear.
- During one Christmas, my aunt gave me “A Wild and Crazy Guy”, a double-album of Steve Martin’s standup comedy routines. I was still in college when I received it. That means that at the age of 23, my own aunt still couldn’t conceive of the idea that I was profoundly deaf.
- At a McDonald’s restaurant, a Deaf friend, who doesn’t speak, gestured to the clerk that he was deaf, and would like a picture menu to point out his choices for ordering lunch. The clerk handed him a Braille menu.
- Seen on the brown wrapper of a part for assembling a mailbox: “Contents of this bag have been packaged by the blind and the handicapped.” Whoopee-fucking-do! Yes, people with disabilities work and are productive members of society. Why does that need to be broadcasted on a bag?
- Deaf people don’t do voiceovers, but it’s a wonder that hearing people do, considering the dumb things they say or do. Is there a market to for signovers?